James Brown And Len Elmore Slow The Rotation Of The Earth

For the record, there were three heart-pumping Elite Eight games this weekend. For these, we thank CBS. We also thank them for the random preseason game that they threw in for good measure. That was really special, too.

In all seriousness, the Florida-Oregon game felt totally like the Great Alaska Shootout or one of those other preseason tournaments that nobody really cares about. This wasn’t because Florida or Oregon weren’t playing at a high, Final Four-caliber level. Nope, it’s solely because James Brown and Len Elmore, individually, are exceedingly boring announcers. When combined, they made us feel like we were watching sports after a prescription-grade dosage of Darvocet. In fact, their commentary was so boring that it actually slowed the rotation of the planet Earth. Your days are now 24 hours and 40 minutes long.

We make no secret of the fact that we are not in favor of CBS’s awful, terrible, no good, very bad decision to yank Gus Johnson from covering the NCAA Tournament beyond the first and second rounds. But now, we’d like to launch a second motion that prevents James Brown and Len Elmore from announcing any future games. From now on, we’re hitting the SAP button and watching the game as described by a fast-talking Mexican. At least that’d keep us awake.